


I’m a mess but I’m the mess that you wanted

by thatsformetoknow



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: I wrote this so long ago I don’t even remember what it is, Langst, M/M, and maybe accidentally confesses his crush, but it’s okay bc Shiro gives him that reassurance, insecure Lance I think, lance having a bad time, that’s all I remember
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-19
Updated: 2020-04-19
Packaged: 2021-03-01 17:08:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,820
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23740573
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thatsformetoknow/pseuds/thatsformetoknow
Summary: “Hey Lance,” she said easily, stepping into his room and Lance frowned as he watched her. “Hunk and I managed to hook up a movie player, so we’re gonna all watch some old Altean movies and have a sleep over,” she said. That wasn’t an invitation, she just said it like she assumed Lance would come with her. Of course he would. Why wouldn’t he?But why would they want him there? He’d probably just end up talking through the movie and snoring all night anyway, and they’d wish they never invited him. They were probably only inviting him to be polite, anyway; in case his feelings got hurt when he found out the next day that they’d done that without him.“I uh, I’m not actually feeling too great,” he said with an apologetic smile. “I think I’m gonna have to pass and just get an early night, instead. Next time?” He could just save them the trouble. He didn’t want to go and they didn’t want him there.
Relationships: Lance/Shiro (Voltron)
Comments: 8
Kudos: 266





	I’m a mess but I’m the mess that you wanted

Lance hadn’t always been good at rationalising. It was a skill that his sister had taught him, and ever since then he’d always been good at talking himself down from things and taking in a deep breath. Things weren’t always as they seemed, and Lance knew that his anxieties often caused him to jump to conclusions. 

So no, Marco hadn’t suddenly started hating Lance, he was just tired and irritable from the lack of sleep, and the following morning he’d apologised and the two of them had played together until sunset. No, Lance hadn’t failed his entrance exams, despite the pit in his stomach; because he’d studied like _hell_ for those - and he’d been right, he’d gotten in. His family hadn’t forgotten about him, because they loved him; of course they were missing him just as much as Lance was missing them. And the team. Lance wasn’t useless to the team, of course he wasn’t. He had a purpose. His team mates _liked_ him. Of course they did. He just hadn’t… found the part that would allow him to rationalise that, yet. 

Looking back at the situation… there was a lot to sort through. Lance was good at sorting things through, just… usually it _helped_ rather than hindered him. He started with his place here. He was the blue paladin. What did that _mean?_ What had Allura said about the lions? Shiro was the leader, decisive and in control. Pidge was the intellectual, daring and skilled. Hunk was caring and put everyone before himself. Keith was agile, relying on his instincts. Everyone had some sort of skill that made them perfect for their lions but what did Lance have? Lance couldn’t ever seem to do anything right. He’d try to lighten the air with a joke, and get yelled at. He’d offer some advice, but no one would take him seriously. Lance didn’t really… have a thing. 

Pidge had been able to work with Green to give her new features like her invisibility; the Red Lion was constantly acting of its own accord and coming to rescue Keith; Shiro had a deeper bond with Black than Zarkon had, and Hunk and Yellow bolstered the team. What… what did Lance do? Lance didn’t do anything. Even Coran and Allura were more useful than he was and they weren’t even _paladins_. They would be nowhere without either of them, and “seventh wheel” was a term that had been spinning in Lance’s head for quite a while now, and no matter what he just couldn’t shake it. 

In order to be able to rationalise these insecurities away, Lance knew he needed some way of disproving them. Of telling himself that of course he was being ridiculous, of course he had a purpose here. But right now? It wasn’t looking to him much like he had one. What did he _do_ for the team exactly? There were missions that they went on in small groups sometimes. Shiro would tell Keith that he had to go, because of Red’s agility. Shiro would tell Pidge she had to go, because of Green’s cloaking. Shiro would tell Hunk he had to go, because of Yellow’s sturdiness. Shiro would go himself, of course. And Lance…? Shiro had never asked Lance to go. There had never been a purpose for him and Blue. He wasn’t suggesting that Blue was useless, not by any means, but maybe… maybe she just needed a different pilot, someone _better_ , someone who could awaken whatever it was within her. And that wasn’t Lance. 

Whenever Lance would suggest a strategy plan in a team meeting, everyone would wave him off, because all Lance usually did was joke around, so of _course_ he couldn’t actually have anything of value to input. He was always the one that Shiro gave the most pointers to in training; even more than Hunk, and Hunk had always disliked it less than him in the first place. He was useless. He couldn’t get anything right. Keith always beat him onto his ass whenever they sparred, and Lance wasn’t brave enough to go up against Shiro. It was like the Garrison all over again; he was never going to be as good as Keith, and he was never allowed to forget it. 

That was something that Lance _hadn’t_ been able to rationalise, and he supposed that the stupid rivalry he’d always tried to put onto him was to do with that; if he could prove that there were _some_ things that he was better than Keith at, then that would mean that his instructors hadn’t been right. That all of the hurtful things that he’d overheard and that had been said directly to him hadn’t been right. But it seemed no matter what it was Keith was better than him. Keith was always going to be better than him. 

Maybe things would be okay if Lance felt at home here. Maybe things would be different… but his homesickness was getting worse with every day that passed, and Lance felt himself withdrawing further and further from everyone. He and Shiro weren’t friends. There had been… a time where maybe Lance had thought it possible… but Lance had pulled back. Shiro had Keith and Keith had Shiro and they were _best friends_ , and there wasn’t any room for Lance in that equation, not with either of them, and he’d blown his chances with Keith through constantly picking fights with him for no good reason other than his own insecurities. He wasn’t friends with Allura. Allura seemed… irritated with him at the best of times. He supposed that she found his flirting annoying, and yeah, why wouldn’t she? It wasn’t as though she was interested in him, and it wasn’t as though they were friendly enough to laugh about it, either. He and Coran got on, but there were only so many hours in the day that Lance could spend listening to him talk, and by god… could that man talk. Lance was friends with Pidge and Hunk. They’d been friends at the Garrison, and it had been him and Hunk, trying to befriend Pidge. But now it seemed that Hunk and Pidge were closer than he and Lance had ever been; Pidge having found someone to talk to about whatever it was that she liked to do that Lance was too stupid to understand, and maybe Hunk liked her better. Maybe Hunk… wanted to be around someone with a little more intellect. 

Lance wasn’t _stupid_ , he knew that. But he wasn’t as smart as Hunk, and didn’t even get into range with Pidge, so… he couldn’t really blame them. He was annoying. Pidge always liked to tell him so. Hunk had never said anything negative to him, but that was because Hunk was a sweetheart, and he would never say anything to hurt anyone, even if he felt it. He would never tell Lance how annoying he must have found him, or how much more he enjoyed Pidge’s company. So Lance pulled back, and they didn’t seek him out. 

Eventually Lance just stopped hanging around the castle. He’d tried to make his room as homely as possible, with little trinkets he’d picked up, and Coran had helped him find some blankets and pillows, but… it wasn’t home. Not even close. He still showed up to breakfast and dinner, training, of course, lest Shiro have his head, and he seemed fine. He knew he seemed fine, because if there was one thing that Lance was good at - it was seeming fine. He just now… wasn’t annoying anyone with his presence. He wasn’t trying to get in on Hunk and Pidge’s time together, and whining annoyingly when he didn’t understand some of the big complicated science-y words they were using. He didn’t annoy Keith or pick a fight with him, and consequently annoy Shiro when he had to break it up. He didn’t annoy Allura with his flirting attempts, and he still saw Coran occasionally, because he knew that it was cathartic for him to tell Lance the stories of Altea, but he was sure that he’d prefer to tell someone else, someone who wouldn’t ask such annoying questions all the time, interrupting him. 

He just… stayed in his room in their free time. And no one noticed. Hell, they were probably glad to be rid of him, Lance just needed… some sort of plan. He wanted to go home but he knew very well that that wasn’t an option. He wanted to leave Voltron, but without another Blue paladin to take his place, he couldn’t do that to the team, either. So… he just had to wait it out. Wait until they could find someone better than him, someone that would be more useful - that could fly Blue better, that could be a better part of the team, that could be a better friend, and then he’d be able to get away. Because no matter how hard he thought about any of it, there was nothing he could come up with to prove himself wrong, nothing he could come up with to tell himself he was being stupid, and so that left one option - he was right. 

Lance flinched as there was a knock on his door and it slid open, revealing Pidge in the doorway. He looked up from where he was sat on his bed, unsure of what she could possibly want. He wasn’t late for dinner, and there wasn’t an evening training scheduled, either. 

“Hey Lance,” she said easily, stepping into his room and Lance frowned as he watched her. “Hunk and I managed to hook up a movie player, so we’re gonna all watch some old Altean movies and have a sleep over,” she said. That wasn’t an invitation, she just said it like she assumed Lance would come with her. Of course he would. Why wouldn’t he?

But why would they want him there? He’d probably just end up talking through the movie and snoring all night anyway, and they’d wish they never invited him. They were probably only inviting him to be polite, anyway; in case his feelings got hurt when he found out the next day that they’d done that without him. 

“I uh, I’m not actually feeling too great,” he said with an apologetic smile. “I think I’m gonna have to pass and just get an early night, instead. Next time?” He could just save them the trouble. He didn’t want to go and they didn’t want him there. 

“Oh,” she said with a frown. “Okay. I’ll uh, tell everyone. I hope you feel better.”

“Thanks,” Lance said as she turned to leave. She turned in the doorway, giving him a strange look, and left a moment later, and Lance breathed a sigh of relief. Thank goodness he’d avoided that. 

He sighed, leaning back against the wall. He didn’t exactly have much to do in here, and maybe it would have been nice to sit down and watch a movie, but he wasn’t sure his anxiety could handle being around his team at the moment, especially not everyone at once, so he supposed it was for the best, anyway. It was barely five minutes before there was another knock at his door, and Lance sighed as it slid open, immediately straightening up as he saw Shiro standing there. Had he come to scold him?

“Pidge said you’re not feeling well,” Shiro said, taking a step into his room. “Can I come in?”

Lance nodded, averting his eyes as Shiro walked over to the bed and the door slid closed behind him. 

“Have you talked to Coran?” he asked, gently laying his palm over Lance’s forehead in an almost motherly way, Lance’s brows pinching in confusion. “You don’t have a fever.”

“I- haven’t talked to Coran, I’ll be fine,” Lance said, shaking his head. 

“Well, you should at least let him have a look, there might be some sort of medicine in the infirmary, or you could spend an hour in a pod, or-”

“Shiro,” Lance said, cutting him off. “I’m fine.”

Shiro sighed and looked down. “You’re not fine, Lance,” he said at last, looking up to meet his eyes. “We all know you’re not fine.”

“What is that supposed to mean?” Lance asked, bringing his knees up to his chest and resting his chin between them, looking at Shiro warily. 

“You don’t have to talk to me about it if you don’t want to, but… we’re all worried about you,” Shiro said, looking at him searchingly. “And… if you _would_ like to talk about it, then I’m here for you - we’re all here for you.”

Lance frowned, worrying his lip between his teeth. “I don’t know what that’s supposed to mean,” he mumbled. “I’m fine.”

“Lance… If you’re fine then why do only come out of your room when someone calls you? You used to be all over this castle, you used to like spending time with us, and now we hardly see you. You barely eat, it’s clear you’re not sleeping well, and we’ve all felt the uneasiness that Blue is exuding. Like you don’t feel… safe here anymore, with us.”

“Why would I feel safe? We’re in a war, Shiro,” Lance muttered. 

“That’s not what I meant and you know it,” Shiro frowned. “What’s going on?”

“Nothing,” Lance insisted. Why would Shiro care anyway? Why would Shiro act as if anyone cared? They were all better off without him.

“Lance…” he sighed. “Would you rather… I mean, I can get Hunk, if you’d rather talk to him.”

“There’s nothing to talk about,” Lance snapped. “And I _don’t_ want to talk to Hunk.”

Shiro frowned at that. “Why not? He’s your best friend, isn’t he? Lance, you need to talk to _someone_ , we can’t keep going on like this.”

“Fuck,” Lance grit out, pressing the heels of his palms into his eyes. “Shiro, will you just stop pushing?”

“I’m sorry,” Shiro said softly, and they were quiet for a few moments. “We’re all just so worried about you.”

Lance couldn’t stop the small pained sound that escaped him at hearing that and he sniffed, suddenly feeling very watery and weak. “Just stop,” he mumbled. “Just shut up, just stop it.”

“Stop… what?” Shiro asked carefully, clearly trying very hard not to overstep, though he wasn’t doing a very good job. 

“Stop talking to me like any of you actually give a damn about me!” he snapped, the words tumbling out before he could stop them, and he wished that he could take them back. He didn’t want anyone knowing that he actually _cared_ what they all thought of him - that he was _bothered_ by the way that they brushed him off constantly. 

“What?” Shiro asked, voice filled with confusion. “Lance… what are you _talking_ about? _Of course_ we care about you!”

Lance blew out a shaky breath, letting his hands fall away from his face, but he wouldn’t look up at Shiro, eyes filled with tears that were threatening to spill over. There was no going back now. 

“Do you?” he asked, looking up at him, and he was met with wide worried eyes. 

“Of course we do.”

“Oh, of course you do,” Lance huffed. “Of course you fucking do, oh, I’m _sure_ you do. I’m just the seventh wheel here, Shiro, no one enjoys my company, no one _likes_ me and I’m completely useless to the team, I’m the worst at everything, and all I ever do is annoy everyone, I don’t know _why_ you’re worried about me, I don’t know _why_ you care, because you’d all just be better off without me,” he said all at once, looking down as two tears slipped down his cheeks and he wiped them away frustratedly. 

Shiro said nothing for a moment. “ _Lance_ ,” he said at last, voice sounding… pained. He sounded pained. “Lance, _no_.”

Lance sniffed and looked up at him for a moment, quickly averting his eyes again as they filled with more tears. Fuck, he was pathetic. Then Shiro was gathering him up, and Lance gave a small squeak as he was suddenly pressed face against Shiro’s chest, and Shiro’s arms were wrapped around him. 

“No, no, no, no,” he mumbled, shaking his head as he held Lance against him. “Lance, _no_ , none of that is true.”

Lance almost wanted to believe him with how desperate he sounded. He didn’t struggle to pull away, just went limp in Shiro’s arms and let him hold him. Shiro didn’t say anything else for a few moments, perhaps collecting his thoughts, or perhaps he just didn’t know what to say, manoeuvring them on the bed until they were half laying down, in a more comfortable position. Shiro didn’t let him go, which was surprising, and gently stroked his fingers through Lance’s hair instead. 

“I’m sorry that we’ve made you feel that way,” he murmured, and he sounded desperately sorry. “We love you, Lance. We _miss_ you. Hunk and Pidge have been out of their minds with worry, so much so that the whole reason Pidge got the movie player working was so we could do this, and try and get you out of your room. Keith has asked me if I know what’s wrong, if I know how to make it better. And I don’t. I haven’t wanted to pressure you, but it’s just been getting worse, and I assumed that it was something else like homesickness, I never thought it was because of us, and I’m so sorry, Lance.”

Lance frowned as he listened to Shiro’s words. That couldn’t be true, could it? 

“You are so important to us - to the team, we’ve been lost without you. When you’re around… everything seems easy, and light. It’s easy for us to all fool around together, and act like a team, and find some sort of relief from the constant worries that we all have. And… since you’ve been gone, we’ve all been falling apart. Keith’s been throwing himself into training, every spare moment he has, and I’ve never seen Hunk so nervous and twitchy. Pidge hasn’t been sleeping; she’s been up all night focusing all of her energies on new projects to try and occupy her mind. You might not think that we need you, Lance, but we do. You hold us together, and you keep us strong. You remind us that there’s _hope_ , that there are still things to laugh about, and things to make us smile, and that this isn’t just a hopeless never ending darkness that we’re never going to overcome.”

Lance blinked back tears, swallowing thickly and tilting his head up to look at Shiro with wide eyes. Was this… was this the reasoning that Lance hadn’t been able to come up with? The thing that would allow him to say don’t be so silly; of course they love you, of course they need you. 

“But…” Lance started weakly. 

“I’m sorry that we’ve made you feel unwanted,” Shiro said gently, tucking a lock of Lance’s hair behind his ear and cupping his cheek. “We’re… still all so new at this, and we’ve all been thrust together, but we are together, and we’re all that we’ve got. We might not all be very good at showing how we really feel, and we’re going to need to work on that, we’re all going to need to properly bond as a team - as a family, but we can’t do it without you, Lance, because you’re the heart of it.”

Lance bit his lip and looked away. 

“You are,” Shiro said again and Lance looked back at him, letting out a shuddering breath. “I know I… don’t know you all that well yet,” Shiro said, brows pinched together as he struggled to articulate what he wanted to say. “But you’re so special to me already, and I really care about you, perhaps more than I should.”

Lance frowned, tilting his head. “What… what does that mean?”

Shiro looked down, pink dusting his cheeks. “It means that ever since we met, I haven’t been able to help seeing you differently to everyone else. Differently… as in… I don’t know, you’re smart, and you’re charming, and you’re funny, and you’re gorgeous, and you make my chest feel all fluttery sometimes.”

“You have a crush on me?” Lance asked with wide eyes, sitting back, mouth falling open. “Takashi Shirogane has a crush on me,” he repeated in disbelief. 

“I know it’s not professional,” Shiro frowned, unable to look at him, cheeks burning. 

“You- you have a _crush_ on _me_ ,” he said, and then a dumb grin spread over his face. “Oh my god.”

Shiro huffed in embarrassment, folding his arms across his chest. “Can we not talk about that right now? That’s hardly the most important thing we’ve talked about. Will you please come to the movie night? You don’t have to stay for the sleepover if you don’t want to, but please... we all have to start trying to bond better.”

Lance sighed and nodded, getting up off of the bed and grabbing a sweater. Shiro stood up, walking to the door and opening it. Lance followed him, but grabbed onto Shiro’s wrist before he could go. Lance looked at him contemplatively for a moment, leaning up on his tiptoes to kiss his cheek. 

“We can still talk about that though, right? Another time?” he asked hopefully and Shiro opened his mouth and closed it again. 

“We can,” he agreed. “But that’s not a priority,” he insisted, leading Lance out to where everyone was set up. 

Lance smiled to himself, biting his lip and then blowing out a breath as they reached everyone. Everyone looked so hopeful that he was there. Maybe… maybe Shiro really was telling the truth, and things weren’t as bad as Lance’s mind had made them out to be. They had a lot to work on, sure, but they could get there. Things didn’t seem… quite so hopeless anymore. 

Lance flopped down on the sofa and Hunk lifted his arm for him to snuggle under, and Lance did so with a practiced ease. God, he had missed this. Pidge swung her feet up to rest in Lance’s lap, prodding him in the tummy with her toes, and even Keith had a small smile on his face as he looked over to him, which Lance tentatively returned. 

“Are you feeling better?” Pidge asked, prodding him again. “You’re not getting sick, are you?”

“Nah, I’m okay,” Lance assured her, and she looked at him sceptically for a few moments more, before grabbing up the remote and starting the movie up. Lance’s eyes found Shiro’s across the room for a moment, and he felt a smile tug at his lips at the way Shiro’s cheeks heated and turned red. That was definitely something Lance wanted to address, too. That could… that could maybe be a really good thing.

**Author's Note:**

> <3 I have not read this since I wrote it 6 months ago so like idk what it is hopefully it was fine


End file.
